Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said her name was "party"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
