i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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