Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
