I haven't been this sober since birth.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
