Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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