Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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