can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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