sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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