i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
