At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
