Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
