Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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