you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My feet surprised me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
