turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
