proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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