Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
