I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
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