'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
