Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
