No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
