I faked an abortion last night.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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