the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize