Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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