All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
