the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
