shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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