he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize