Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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