I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
