i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
