I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
