The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
