don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
