a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
