my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize