2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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