now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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