Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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