I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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