alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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