And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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