Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
