you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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