is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
