:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
