did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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