guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
