ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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