I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
