So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And then he peed in my hair
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