i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
