I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
