You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize