Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
