I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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