i wish semen tasted like chocolate
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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