Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
