dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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